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Submitted on
July 19, 2012
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2013   Writer
This is ... it leaves me almost speechless.
I think you coast dead-on (pun intended) into Patrick's mind, not to mention the concept of time and direction. The reverse volcano is a terrific hint at what's to come. I won't write much more due to *spoilers* but I wish I could fav it more than once. Thank you.
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:icontonepainter:
tonepainter Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, comments like this are just wonderful to get! Thanks, I really appreciate it :D
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2013   Writer
You're very welcome :D
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:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2013
Featured: [link]
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:icontonepainter:
tonepainter Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks!
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:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2013
i love how this leaves more questions than it answers. great work.
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:icontonepainter:
tonepainter Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks... I really appreciate it.
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Jeez, what some writing, man.. I don't normally sit through prose because normally the story isn't fresh or demented enough for me, haha. But yeah, this is good. This is interesting.
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:icontonepainter:
tonepainter Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks very much, this means a lot to me.

If you like demented, feel free to make yourself at home with any of my stories. Demented is where they live....
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I keep meaning to make a good go at your gallery. I'm just generally at work when I sit down for long at a computer. *sigh* But soon, very soon, I shall find me some keepers amongst your dementations. <--by the by, I make up words often. :)

Oh, and you're welcome!
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:icontonepainter:
tonepainter Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I may borrow "dementations" from you at some point... that's a keeper. :D
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, go right ahead. I'll forget I invented it.
It'll be a glorious discovery for me, probably. lol
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:icontonepainter:
tonepainter Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:laughing:
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:iconcjwilde:
CJWilde Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2012  Student Writer
I started reading this out loud to my boyfriend to playfully distract him from Skyrim on my critique rounds. Neither of us were expecting the fifth sentence. :B

Question: at the end of part I, are you supposed to have written didn't spill drop one? I'm pretty sure that's supposed to be 'one drop'. :XD:
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:icontonepainter:
tonepainter Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Sorry if it was too much of a shock, but I hope you got him off Skyrim, at least :D

"drop one" is actually deliberate. It's a fairly common idiom in the US. It's been so long since I lived in the UK (early/mid 1970's) that I can't remember whether I ever heard it over there. It doesn't sound very British, though, so I'm guessing it's one of our horrid colonialisms....
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:iconcjwilde:
CJWilde Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2012  Student Writer
Get him off Skyrim? No, that would be cruelty! I was just trying to distract him from defeating the Dragon Priest Morokei because I am a wonderful and selfless human being. He's a conjurer mage, so you really have to concentrate on not dying. :giggle:

I'd take it as a colonialism, as I've never heard it here in the UK. It seems the majority of writers on deviantART are American, so I might have to buy a notebook and start writing these things down. I already have to have an EST clock on my phone screen. :grump:
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:iconcristinewakesuphappy:
cristinewakesuphappy Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
good job! scary, and disturbing. :wow: you're good at details - the milk, cornflakes, tablespoons...
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:icontonepainter:
tonepainter Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks very much! :D
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:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
OH ALSO - forgot to mention this. I'd change the title. The way you have the first section you wouldn't expect him to shoot his mom in the face, and I think you're losing a lot of "shock value" by giving the reader a head's up.

You have several options, depending on how cheaky or serious you want to be. Honey & the Dumb Old Fool (HA HA HA) or Commuting or The Messy Pourer Cleans Up (ooooh I'm so witty :p ) etc...
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:icontonepainter:
tonepainter Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I decided to go a more serious route on the title..... thanks for getting me thinking about this
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:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
OH I like the title! Much better! :D
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:icontonepainter:
tonepainter Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:D:D:D
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:icontonepainter:
tonepainter Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks... good suggestions. I'm going to mull them over a bit. I like The Messy Pourer Cleans Up a lot; I just need to think about whether I want to use that style of humor.

:D
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:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
HA I was coming up with those as I was typing. Mostly being a pain. Sarcasim, so natural ;) he he he.

Yea, I'm not sure how serious or what that contest was supposed to be :)
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:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
“Did you know that if your commute is eastbound in the morning, then all year long you’re going to be driving into the sun before work and into the sun on the way home? It says here that people with westbound morning commutes live longer than people going the other way. Heart disease and suicides are both higher if you’re driving straight into sunlight twice a day, assuming your commute is more than 25 minutes.” Is this TRUE???

Also, I love how you circled back and forth through time on this.
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:icontonepainter:
tonepainter Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I don't know whether anyone's ever studied the effect that driving into the sunlight regularly has on people. Probably not. I just know the effect it has on me: insanity! I've always hated it, and yesterday I had to drive a hundred mile roundtrip that was heading into the sun both ways for most of it. The idea for this story came to me in the car, after I calmed down from getting really pissed off about it.

Over the years, I've had several commutes that pointed into the sun, and they really suck!

& thanks :D
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